Self-Awareness
I can still see Marc’s face freeze as I share the feedback with him. He had been on my team for a couple of years and up to this point, everything had been going great.
The day before, my manager told me that he had felt disrespected by something Marc said in a meeting, and he asked me to “take care of it.” The behavior didn’t sound like Marc, I knew him to be kind and warm-hearted, but my manager’s request was clear. So, I scheduled a meeting the next day.
I felt quite tense and ambivalent going into the conversation because I wasn’t clear what had been going on and how to navigate this conflictual relationship between my manager and my team member. Very quickly, my own unease began to pervade the atmosphere in the room, and only increased with every exchange.
The conversation didn’t go very well. While we ended with an agreement, the energy felt drained and tense. I was devastated because I had let down a team member who had put great trust in me. This was not the kind of leadership I wanted to demonstrate. I wanted to remain stable and clear, able to be fully present with others, even if difficult things needed to be addressed.
How could I grow from this challenging experience and become a more conscious leader?
Self-Awareness is a Cornerstone of Personal Development
I realized that while I had been taught many valuable things, how to be a good leader had not been part of my education. So I began working with a coach to support me on my journey.
Among my first revelations was how vague and unclear I had been when entering the conversation with Marc. There was a conundrum of voices in my head, the mix of worry and concern, insecurity and fear to hurt his feelings, and the pressure of my manager’s expectations. I found it impossible to lead with clarity without having clarity of my own mind.
The ability to reflect on our own internal processes and how they are impacting our actions is an incredibly useful skill and the foundation for many other developments. After all, we need to be aware of our inner workings before we can actively self-regulate, decide to make changes and learn new skills.
The Benefits of Mindfulness
As part of my training, I started practicing mindfulness to get to know myself better and create more calm in my busy life. Mindfulness-based approaches have received a lot of attention in recent years to support leaders in dealing with the increasing volatility, uncertainty, complexity, and ambiguity of today’s world. Research shows its effectiveness to increase self-awareness and emotional self-regulation, to strengthen resilience and stress-management, and to enhance cognitive flexibility for better decision-making.
In my personal experience, focusing on my breath for a few minutes strengthened my capacity to focus and created welcome islands of respite that I could count on whenever I chose to sit and practice. I also noticed a heightened awareness of the countless, unpredictable and uncontrollable thoughts, emotions and experience constantly rushing through my system.
However, while I could catch and identify them more clearly, and was less absorbed or governed by them, in my perception they still defined my worth and value as a human being. Getting angry, having judgements, feeling jealous or competitive meant that I was still flawed and failing in my project of becoming a more conscious human.
What from the outside appeared as an increased ability to be present and at ease, required constant surveillance and management of my inner experience. Definitely an improvement, but a lot of work to hold it all together!
Self-Awareness 2.0
A few years into my mindfulness journey, I came across a practice that has greatly enriched and expanded the meaning of self-awareness and mindfulness for me.
This particular line of practice begins with the introduction to the true nature of mind. Until then my practice had been to observe and quiet the content of my mind (thoughts, emotions or other experiences). Now, I was instead noticing the nature of mind, the awareness by which we are aware of the content of our mind.
By analogy, instead of focusing on the images reflected in a crystal ball, we notice the qualities inherent to the crystal ball. Its clarity, stability and radiance are not affected by the reflections appearing within it. Its nature is unchanging regardless of what appears in its luminous sphere. The same is true for the nature of mind that is unaffected by whatever appears within it.
Knowing that my deepest self is that which is aware of thoughts, feelings, desires, values, etc. has become the most profound meaning of ‘self-awareness’: being aware of the true self that is already present within-clear, stable and inherently at rest.
The more I identified as that, the more effortlessly, openly and even curiously I could reflect on my inner workings. Thoughts, feelings, desires, values, etc. arise, but they don’t define who I am. This expanded perspective of the self has given me the ability to see my human characteristics with much more equanimity and self-compassion.
Learning to access this essence of being has been tremendously valuable. I can take a moment to relax as awareness whenever turbulent experiences come up, before I go into meetings or have conversations like the one I shared above. It’s like a reset button that can be pressed in any circumstance and at any time. When we see this in ourselves, we also see and can reflect that same essence in and for others.
Practicing Self-Awareness
Sit comfortably. If it feels safe for you, close your eyes. Check in with yourself. What’s your experience like in your body? What thoughts are running through your mind? What emotions do you notice; what is your mood? (Take a couple of minutes for this).
Now, instead of trying to sort out your inner workings, take a moment to rest and to ease into the essence of your being. Notice that regardless of intense sensations and emotions and the speed of your thoughts, you are that which is aware. This aware essence of your being is unaffected by what’s going on within and around you.
Rest here, in your fundamental condition of spacious awareness.
It might be useful to remember the analogy of the crystal ball that is unaffected by the reflections appearing within it. Rest as the crystal ball and see what happens.
*name changed for confidentiality
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